Sadia Khan谈婚姻关系及两性情感
Sadia Khan：A relationship coach who has dedicated her social presence to helping individuals and couples navigate the complexities of modern relationships.
Lewis Howes：Lewis Howes is a New York Times best-selling author and show host of The School of Greatness, one of the top growth mindset podcasts in the world.
Topic：Why 70% of Relationships End in The First Year
New words and expressions：
NPD：Narcissiistic Personality Disorder （自恋型人格障碍）
BPD：Boardline Personality Disorder （边缘型人格障碍）
PUA：Pick-up artist （全称“Pick-up Artist”，原意为“搭讪艺术家”，指男性接受过系统化学习、实践并不断更新提升、自我完善情商的行为，后来泛指很会吸引异性、让异性着迷的人和其相关行为。 目前PUA多指在一段关系中一方通过言语打压、行为否定、精神打压的方式对另一方进行情感控制。）
Gaslighting：
Host（Lewis Howes）
Welcome back everyone, to The School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. We have the inspiring Sadia Khan in the house, who is an incredible online coach, therapist, psychologist, and someone who’s really been taking off lately online with your relationship expert expertise with your content. And I’m so excited that you’re here. So thank you for being here. All the way from Dubai. Yes.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:02:37
So specifically, for this. So thank you so much for having me. We’re, I really appreciated it.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:02:42
We’re excited. We’re excited. I, I saw a stat online recently that said 75% of relationships fail within the first, right after the first year. Right. I know if that’s an accurate stat, but it just seems like people are struggling in relationships in a, in a new relationship. They’re struggling finding a great partner when they start dating. Yeah. They’re struggling trying to figure out is this the right partner for me? They’re struggling to figure out their own wounds and how their You know their traumas, interact with someone else’s traumas, and is there a good match? All these different things cause people to struggle in relationships and breakup within the first year. Yeah, it seems like. Why do you think people are struggling more than ever today to have a healthy, happy relationship?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:03:27
I would say it’s the illusion of options that we’ve got today that we’ve never had before in the form of online dating, social media and pornography. What that means is when we enter relationships, we are almost assessing if that partner is worthy of us. And there’s almost an element of narcissism when we walk in. We’re like, can I get better? Can I get the most I can get? Is this the most satisfying sexual relationship I’ve ever had? And if that person doesn’t tick every single box off, instead of reflecting on what you need to heal and what you need to bring to the table and how you can help this relationship survive, we simply replace them with the illusion of options, even if we don’t have alternatives that we think we do. So we let go far or quicker than we previously would’ve.
Tick sth off：to mark or check items on a list as completed or dealt with. It can also mean to anger or annoy someone.
Illusion of options：it refers to a situation where one believes they have multiple choices or alternatives, but in reality, those choices are limited or not truly viable. （”选择的幻觉” 指的是一种情况，即一个人认为自己有多种选择或替代方案，但实际上这些选择是有限的或不真正可行的。）
Guest（Sadia Khan）
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:04:10
Really? What do you think we should be asking ourselves about the person we want to date? You know. ’cause it sounds like we want have every box ticked on, like they have to be perfect and they have to be funny and they have to be rich. Yeah. You have to be good looking and they need a good education and it, but what should we really be asking ourselves before we start dating someone?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:04:28
How are my personal insecurities going to ruin this relationship? Ooh, yeah. I think that’s the first and foremost con conversation to have with yourself.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:04:37
How are my insecurities going to ruin this relationship?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:04:40
How are my personal insecurities going to ruin this relationship?
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:04:42
Why is that the question we should ask ourselves? Because
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:04:45
We go into relationship almost blind to our own wounds, and they resurface in the relationship, and we blame them for not providing the medication of a wound that existed before we met them.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:04:56
That’s so true. Wow.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:04:58
Yeah. So what I mean by that is, say for example, you grew up financially insecure and you meet a partner who’s actually really nice to you, but he might not be able to soothe all your financial insecurities, you immediately think he’s not good enough. Or you go into a relationship being addicted to pornography, and then you meet a woman who’s actually just, your right level, but you are so used to a hypersexualized promiscuous woman that you find her boring, or you go into a relationship not being able to communicate, and then you meet somebody else who’s not also communicating and you don’t voice your concerns. So I would say, ask yourself, how are your insecurities going to ruin this relationship? And how do I create a buffer so that doesn’t occur?
Hypersexualized [ˌhaɪ.pərˈsɛk.ʃu.əl.aɪzd]：the portrayal or representation of sexuality in an exaggerated or excessive manner, often in a way that focuses excessively on sexual themes or features. （纵欲过度的、性欲亢进的、旺盛的）
Buffer：A protective mechanism or strategy that individuals establish to safeguard themselves from potential harm or negative outcomes, particularly in the context of relationships. It involves creating a barrier or layer of defense against one’s own insecurities or tendencies to self-sabotage, thereby allowing for healthier interactions and emotional stability within the relationship. （屏障、防御层、缓冲区：它指的是个人设立的保护机制或策略，旨在保护自己免受潜在的伤害或负面结果，尤其是在关系的背景下。它涉及建立一种屏障或防御层，阻止自己的不安全感或自毁倾向，从而使关系中的互动更健康，情感更稳定。）
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:05:36
So when we’re aware, ’cause a lot of us, we go into a relationship not thinking we’re we have insecurities or that we’re broken. Yeah. We are like, well, the previous relationship didn’t work. ’cause of them. Yeah. It was their fault they did this. But really it’s always comes back to us. Okay. We chose something, we, we didn’t see something early on. We let something slide. We didn’t create a boundary. We, we abandoned ourselves. We didn’t communicate consciously, whatever. It’s, yeah. We let things slide too often, but we don’t take a look unless for me Yeah. There’s enough pain. Mm. To say, okay, here’s all this stuff I don’t like about me. Yeah. Here’s all my insecurities, all my baggage, all my trauma, all my challenges.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:06:17
The reason why I keep causing pain in relationship, why it doesn’t keep working is ’cause of me. Yeah. Whoever the person is. Right? Yeah.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:06:26
You are the common denominator in this.
Common Denominator：a recurring factor or element that remains consistent across different situations or relationships. It suggests that regardless of the specific individuals involved or the circumstances, the speaker identifies themselves as the consistent factor contributing to the pain or dysfunction in their relationships. Essentially, they acknowledge that their own actions, behaviors, or patterns are the root cause of the issues they encounter in their interactions with others. （在不同情况或关系中保持一致的反复出现的因素或元素。这意味着无论涉及的具体个人或情境如何，说话者认为自己是导致关系中痛苦或不正常的一贯因素。基本上，他们承认他们自己的举措、行为或模式是导致与他人互动中遇到问题的根本原因。）
it refers to a shared trait, interest, or experience that connects two individuals and forms the basis of their relationship. It could be a mutual hobby, values, goals, or even challenges they have faced together. Essentially, it represents the element that both partners have in common and that strengthens their bond. （公分母、共通点 Root cause ）
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:06:27
You’re the common Denominator. Yeah. So once we take inventory of our personal insecurities, how can we then create a buffer going into a relationship so we don’t self-sabotage?
Take inventory of something：to make a detailed list or record of all the items or resources available within a particular area, such as a store, warehouse, or organization. It involves counting, categorizing, and sometimes evaluating the condition or value of each item. （盘点某事）
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:06:39
We make sure that we are trying to heal those wounds without expecting that person to break their back to help us heal. You know what I mean by that is if I know I have an issue with jealousy, I’m trying to work on it, but at the same time, the person doesn’t have to break their back to make sure I feel soothed. Okay. I pick consciously, I pick really well because I know that’s a wound of mine. But I also learn to embrace and trust the process. Now, when you go in wounded and expect the person to provide you medication, but you don’t even tell them what disease you have, we are then going to punish them for everything they do.
Break one’s back to do sth：an idiom that means to exert an extreme amount of effort, often going to great lengths or enduring hardship in order to accomplish a task or achieve a goal. （竭尽全力做某事，意思是付出极大的努力，通常是不惜一切代价或忍受艰难以完成任务或实现目标。）
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:07:12
Oh my gosh. That’s the worst feeling.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:07:14
I honestly, and I’ve done it many times. Yeah. I mean you’ve done it
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:07:16
In relationships.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:07:17
Of course.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:07:18
I’ve Had that experience to myself. Relationships is not fun.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:07:20
Unfortunately. You go in expecting them to be the healer or the doctor to a wound that you didn’t create, but you don’t even tell them your diagnosis. And as a result, it’s destined for failure.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:07:32
And they’re not the expert at healing that wound.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:07:35
And they didn’t cause it.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:07:36
And they didn’t cause it.
Guest（Sadia Khan）They didn’t cause it.
Host（Lewis Howes）
Why do so many, I’m not gonna generalize, but it seems like a lot of women that you hear about with content online. Yeah. Why do we see so many women, men causing frustration in their relationship when they start dating a man based on a wound that someone else did, not the man in front of them?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:07:59
Because we’ve created a generation of narcissistic women. And what’s happened is the rise of social media and the rise of online dating and the rise of feminism has taught women that they are not to blame for any poor choices. Every poor choice is glamorized. So If, you wanna be a sex worker, it’s great If, you wanna post in bikini pictures online, it’s fine. If, you wanna be in with it. Every poor choice is glamorized. And every internal reflection is seen as gaslighting yourself. So they’ve even got tons for internal reflection to prevent it happening. And so what will happen is they are trained to not reflect on themselves because we’ve been told we’ve been oppressed for so many years. Now it’s time to make sure we project.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:08:40
And so we don’t take any accountability. And as a result, when we get into relationships, if we don’t feel completely soothed all the time, he must be a narcissist. He must be a manipulator. He must be gaslighting. He, he he rather than I, I I. And unfortunately, we’ve got an online market that caters to that wounded woman that caters to that entitled woman and caters to that narcissistic woman. And it’s so wild to me that so many women talk about narcissism. But the society today has just, is just catering to narcissistic women. If I post a picture online, a bikini picture online, there’s nothing my husband can do that could compete with that level of accolade, tension, impossible.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:09:21
The…the compliments attention,
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:09:22
The
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:09:22
Compliments, the messaging, the, you’re so sexy and beautiful and all these different things from thousands or potential around the world. Millions
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:09:29
Of men, the world around the world
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:09:30
Who have money and all these things.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:09:32
Yeah. And there’s nothing he can do. He can’t post online and get the same reaction and more so, he can’t give me the same level of validation. (Oh my gosh). So what’s happened is we’ve created a…a setup in society that means men have to compete with a level of validation they can’t compete with, and if they go online, if they join Tinder that night, they can have so many more options than a man can, because we’ve got filters and we’ve got all of these. Again, I’m, I really am privy to this myself. I’m not… I am a filter queen. So, but the things I can do to manipulate male and validation
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:10:04
To get more attention from men,
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:10:05
Just soothe myself and to remind myself, I’m above this. I don’t need him. I can replace him. It’s something men actually can’t do. So they have to rely on pornography for that. They replace us with pornography and we replace them with likes. (Wow). And comments on social media.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:10:20
Wow…How did this happen? Like, why do, why do you think, is this a values thing, a lack of values thing? Is this a okay, if I feel wounded or I feel some type of trauma, I need a, an emotional release, and so this makes me feel good. And then it’s just a slippery slope into more and more. What’s the, where does this, how does this start and when does it end?
Slippery slope： it refers to a situation or course of action that leads to a series of increasingly harmful or undesirable consequences. It suggests that once a particular action or decision is taken, it may set off a chain reaction of events that are difficult to control or stop. （”滑坡” 指的是一种导致一系列越来越有害或不良后果的情况或行动路线。它暗示着一旦采取了特定的行动或决定，可能会引发一连串难以控制或停止的事件。）
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:10:40
I think it comes from the fact that we’ve created a culture that whenever there’s a problem, there’s a temporary solution that doesn’t get rid of the root. So what I mean by that is if there’s a problem with intimacy for men, and they’re not getting women, there’s pornography. If there’s a problem of low self-esteem in women, because they don’t have meaning and purpose, they can post a few pictures online. We’ve created a way of solving problems that doesn’t get rid of the root. So we’re always seeking highs. And the problem with highs is they come with lows. So you end up having more problems, more low self-esteem, and then seeking bigger highs to get that kind of back to neutral state. So I think the problem comes with problems being solved by seeking highs and a real focus on kind of values that are very empty, empty materialistic values. （所以我认为问题出在以追求刺激来解决问题 [的方式/态度] 和对非常空洞的价值观的真正关注上。）
Seeking highs：it refers to the behavior of actively pursuing or searching for experiences or sensations that produce feelings of excitement, euphoria [juː’fɔːriə], or exhilaration. It often involves engaging in activities such as thrill-seeking adventures, drug use, or risky behavior in order to achieve a heightened state of arousal or pleasure. （寻求刺激）
A neutral [‘njuːtrəl] state：it refers to a condition where there is an absence of bias, preference, or inclination towards any particular option, opinion, or outcome. It implies a state of impartiality [ˌɪmˌpɑːʃi’æləti], objectivity, or equilibrium [ˌiːkwɪ’lɪbriəm], where one is neither positively nor negatively inclined towards something. （中立状态 — 指的是没有偏见、偏好或倾向于任何特定选项、观点或结果的状态。它意味着一种中立、客观或平衡的状态，人们对某事物既不积极也不消极倾向。）
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:11:27
So you are a beautiful high value woman. If you’re really, really beautiful and you’re a high value man, now If, you are really, really rich. But there’s nothing to do with connection and intimacy that now gives us status. And so, and I think that’s come from social media mainly.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:11:42
Where does this lead over the next three to five years with this narcissistic You know society, I guess that’s been built in this way. What happens for people in relationships? Are people able to find intimacy and connection and stay committed and be actually happy in, in a healthy relationship? Or is it only gonna get worse?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:12:02
It leads to intense and pervasive [pə’veɪsɪv（普遍的）] loneliness, unfortunately, really. And it probably will only get worse, unfortunately, until we wake up to the impact of technology, both on men and women, it’s going to lead to a complete identity crisis, external kind of extrinsic [[eks’trɪnsɪk（外在的）] values that don’t benefit anybody, which then manifests in depression, loneliness, self-inflicted depression, loneliness. Yeah. When I say low depression, loneliness is not like I, I have a disease or anything. It’s self-inflicted through poor choices. So unfortunately, it’s going to lead to men not being able to commit to women because they can get all of the joys of sexual con relationships without having to invest.
Extrinsic [eks’trɪnsɪk]: it refers to something that is not inherent or essential to a thing’s nature; it comes from outside or is external to it. （外在的”是指不是某物本质或固有的一部分；它来自外部或是外部的。）
Extrinsic [eks’trɪnsɪk] values：it refer to values that are external to an individual and often driven by external factors such as social norms, expectations, or rewards. “外在价值”指的是与个体无关的价值观，通常受社会规范、期望或奖励等外部因素的驱动。【Intrinsic [ɪn’trɪnsɪk] values：内在价值】
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:12:43
And we may not being able to commit to men because they can get all the validation of male attention without having to adapt and change themselves according to the needs of the relationship.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:12:52
What happens when men and women never commit,
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:12:57
They find themselves in a unable to put somebody else’s wellbeing above their own. So we’re creating people who are entirely individualistic, deprived of responsibility and unable to care and nurture for others because they’re not putting somebody else’s wellbeing above theirs. When you are unable to commit, essentially you wake up every single day saying, what do I wanna do? What do I wanna do today? And as nice. And it’s freeing as that is. It deprives you of human responsibility. And in order to truly become something, we’re designed to be responsible. We’re designed to be valuable. We’re designed to serve others. This is how we’ve evolved. So becoming completely individualistic leads to a sense of learning narcissism, I believe.
Nurture：it refers to the care, upbringing, and encouragement given to someone or something to promote their development, growth, or success. （培养、关怀、抚育和鼓励，以促进他们的发展、成长或成功。）
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:13:40
What is the genera, what is the age generation of, in your opinion, of the highest amount of narcissistic men and women? Is it people from 15 to 22? Is it twenties to thirties? Like what is the age group that you see as the most extreme narcissist?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:13:56
I would imagine it would be from 15 to 25. This is without actual any research onto, I would imagine, because they, they raised to serve their desires, not serve others. We have raised children to serve themselves in every way, shape and form. So whether that is through a You know, pornographic, intimate, sending each other, Snapchats of each other nude, this is something that was alien like in our generation. It was unheard of. But the average 12 year old is now put under pressure to send nudes to the other average. And one thing I had recently, really, 12 year olds. 12 year olds, I used to be a teacher. So I used to experience this a lot where
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:14:32
12 year olds are sending nudes on Snapchat to each other, nude to Each other.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:14:35
To each other, Yeah. Coerced [kəʊ’ɜːs] to all volunteer…
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:14:40
Just to get them more attention. Right. Or to get,
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:14:41
Yeah. And what’s so weird is when you work with children, you, we are always told, told about predators, and we’re always told about sexual assault from old predators. But you’d be so surprised at the level and age of sexual predators, now they’re aged between 12 and 15. Now 12 to 15 year olds are now becoming predatory because they’re so saturated [‘sætʃəreɪtɪd] by sex that they’ve dehumanized [ˌdiː’hjuːmənaɪz] connection and they see it as part of growing up.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:15:07
Well, I mean, why would a 12 or 13 or 15 year old girl send a nude to another 12, 13, or 15 year old boy?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:15:14
Because they’re growing up with role models who post on OnlyFans. They’re growing up being told that If, you don’t actually need an education. You can make $50,000 a month If. you just post the right pictures online. So when you are told that, and you are bored to death in a maths class, and you’re being told to learn like You know about parameters on a rectangle that you don’t care about. Or you can see a really sexy girl talk about how much money she’s making, where is a child going to go, particularly when they’re not raised in a home or environment, which boosts their self-esteem and emphasizes internal morals . So why are our children going to go, it’s not their fault at all.
Internal morals：it refer to a person’s individual principles, beliefs, or standards of conduct that guide their behavior and decision-making. These morals are internally held and influence how individuals perceive right and wrong, shaping their actions and interactions with others. （个人内心中指导行为和决策的原则、价值观或道德标准。这些道德是关于对错的深深根植的信念，通常决定了一个人如何行事和与他人互动。）
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:15:57
It’s the society we’ve created and what we’ve glamorized and highlighted for children.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:16:01
That’s interesting because Martha, my girlfriend, she’ll say that my, that her dad did a really great job when she was You know, 10, 11, 12, 13, when boys started to show attention. Right? Yeah. He did a really great job. I’m paraphrasing what she told me that he used to say, listen, guys are gonna tell you you’re beautiful and you already know that. Yeah. So don’t be wowed when they say you’re beautiful, you’re pretty, you look attractive, like You know that you have other values to contribute. And if they don’t see those other things, then okay. Just they’re friends. You know. But don’t buy into that type of game.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:16:36
Don’t let that be the most interesting thing about you. Exactly. and I, what I find a little bit strange about being online is I’ll get a lot of comments about my makeup and my appearance or whatever. It’s, which is very, very nice. But I didn’t understand why that would even be part of the conversation. and I would imagine it’s because they assume that If, you have a certain appearance. Why would you even bother working on your education? Because they almost see it as binary [‘baɪnəri] . You, if you’ve got one, you don’t need the other, but you absolutely need the other. You absolute… ’cause it’s the only thing that will exist forever. Your looks is the only depreciating asset you have. Wow. So why would you wanna derive [dɪ’raɪv（收取，获得）] your value from it and your self-esteem from it? It’s, we know it’s depreciating.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:17:18
Because what happens when the looks start to fade in women who’ve only put their value in their physical appearance, what happens?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:17:24
Well, what happens is they end up with men who are equally shallow. Here’s the thing, if I’m just a pretty face, I’m gonna end up with a man who only likes pretty faces. Now the reality is that man is so easily distracted with the next pretty face and the next 25 year old and the next, so what will happen is you are in a constant competition with people you can’t compete with for the rest of your life. And similarly, if I was somebody who just sold sex and just a, I’m going to find a man who’s addicted to sex, and men that are addicted to sex will always want novelty, you’ll never be enough. So reality is when you create your identity on something so fragile, you attract somebody who’s also very fragile, and then you end up in a lonely cycle, unfortunately. Yeah. Whereas （反之）when you develop something deep, you attract someone deeper and your connection tends to be more long-lasting, God willing, it tends to be more long-lasting.
God willing：a phrase used to express the hope or desire that something will happen, with the belief that it is ultimately up to a higher power or divine will. （如果一切顺利，如果老天允许的话）
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:18:15
Right. I think I heard you share recently online something about like financial connection and emotional connection. Yeah.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:18:25
Yeah.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:18:25
Can you explain more about that?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:18:27
Yeah. I think what’s happening, unfortunately, men are being indoctrinated [ɪn’dɒktrɪneɪtid（灌输；教导）] into thinking that as long as you provide financially, you can get the hottest girl in the world. And as a result, you, you’re a high value man and you, you’ve made it. But essentially, when you lead with finances, you attract a woman who’s emotionally detached [dɪ’tætʃt（分享的、独立的）]. Because emotionally present, women finances does not compensate for lack of quality time. No matter how rich a man is, she wants quality time. Whereas emotionally detached women, they don’t care. If, you are gone for six months on a business trip, as long as they’ve got a bag and a house and a Rolls Royce and whatever it is. So when you are that man, you’re gonna attract that woman. Mm. So you think I’m providing her with everything.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:19:07
She’s not gonna go anywhere. She’s thinking, you’ve provided me with everything. Now I can go somewhere. Wow. So you’re actually, you’ll, you’ve lured yourself into a false sense of security. A lot of really successful men will look at women think I’ve given her everything. She’s not gonna go anywhere. She, because she’s got external kind of extrinsic value. She’s saying, I’ve now got everything from this guy. Where do I go next?
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:19:27
What more can I get? What
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:19:29
More can I get from somewhere else? From somewhere else? Oh God. And so unfortunately,
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:19:33
Why is there not loyalty when a financially You know, stable man is able to provide finances to their partner, why is that loyalty not there?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:19:44
Because the…the glue of the relationship is broken. (Superficial), yeah. Is superficial. The glue they used was superficial. The glue he, he’s relying on is physical attraction. And the glue she’s relying is financial stability. The glue is weak. Whereas if the glue is emotional intimacy, absolutely, you can get loyalty. You can’t beat emotional intimacy when it comes to loyalty. Once you have emotional intimacy, you, you really, it’s very difficult for somebody to be your competition because they know you in a way that nobody else can. And you can be vulnerable in a way nobody else can. But when you deprive your relationship of emotional intimacy, every single person is a competition. And this is something these people with junk values don’t realize.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:20:25
Wow.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:20:25
Unfortunately. Like, but did you find that hard, like I mean, being so financially successful, did you find it would attract the wrong kind of women?
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:20:35
Yeah, I’ve always been in relationships. Yeah. And so You know I wasn’t like single for three years. Yeah. And was like just attracting everyone. I was kind of like, I loved intimacy. So I was more like diving into a commitment as quickly as I, if I found someone, like, I felt like, okay, maybe there’s something here.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:22:46
But it just seems like with the content I see online and what I’m hearing from stories from people in the dating world Yeah. Who’ve gone through divorce and breakups, like it is a struggle out there. Is what I’m it. It’s struggle’s what I’m hearing. and I don’t know if that’s just certain cities in America or if that’s globally or if it’s different in other Countries.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:23:03
Is it like that in LA? It’s very much like that.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:23:05
It’s, I think it’s, I think it’s extreme in LA obviously.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:23:07
Extreme. Yeah. And unfortunately, because I come from Dubai and I live in London and stuff like that, I, I focus on the extremities. I know in simple villages, this doesn’t happen. Right, right. But unfortunately, I’m not privy to that. They, they tend to be healthy and they don’t even watch my content. Right. Right. They’re, they’re happy and they’ve got their kids and they walk their dogs. The people that watch it are the ones that are struggling. And they’re usually similar kind of issues. There’s only three or four issues that all my clients will have. What is that? Infidelity. Men using, men in very much… infidelity on part of the woman.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:23:39
Women cheat more than men.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:23:41
Far
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:23:41
More. Come on.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:23:42
Far, far more. Come on. Far form. And the,
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:23:45
Why do you say women cheat more than men?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:23:47
Because they’re in denial about the infidelity when they cheat, they don’t even label it as that. When, if a woman starts cheating,
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:23:54
What are they labeled as?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:23:55
They label it as, my husband’s no longer satisfying to me. They won’t even say I’m cheating. They’ll say, my husband isn’t sat. They find a way to redirect and shift the terminology so that they are void of guilt. (Really?) Absolutely.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:24:10
So How do, how do we know women are cheating more than men? What is it like just public knowledge? Is it surveys? Are you just hearing this from the people you’re coaching?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:24:18
The people I’m coaching. Because firstly you’ll know, it is simple signs that you’ll know. Firstly, when the guy, I always say infidelity is a result of men not being masculine and women not being feminine. And what I mean by this is if a woman is cheating, it’s because she has a man that accepts unacceptable. Because he is unwilling to walk away when his boundaries are broken. So what will happen is when women meet that man, with a good woman, with good morals, and…, she doesn’t want that man. She’s like, I don’t wanna weak man.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:24:48
She’ll, she’ll leave.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:24:49
She’ll Leave. She’ll replace him with somebody who has boundaries that suit her morals. But a woman Who…
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:24:53
but she won’t cheat because she’ll have the values of like, this isn’t working. It’s sad.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:24:57
No, I Don’t want somebody,
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:24:58
but I’m not gonna cheat while I’m with you.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:25:00
No desire to cheat. Yeah. She’s not a sexual being. Yeah. And that, so she’s looking for somebody who can lead a household, but the woman who is planning to come home late all the time and planning to go on a bunch of holidays and planning to keep in touch with her ex and planning to post a bunch of provocative pictures online. He’s perfect. He’s perfect, perfect, perfect. ’cause he’ll maybe pay for everything. He maybe sorts the house out, maybe give her the kids. He’s perfect. So that agreeable…
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:25:22
And you can keep getting the validation from all these other men in Certain ways.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:25:24
Whoever she wants. And he’ll say, oh babe, I don’t really like that bikini picture. And she’ll say, stop oppressing me. And that will be end of the conversation. And that she’ll carry on doing what she wants and he’ll say, oh, you’re gonna come home today. I’ll come home when I want. And that’s what he’ll, he’ll say. Okay. And because she recognizes he doesn’t have the willingness to walk away when the man isn’t masculine. His, his days are numbered, his days… And good women filter themselves off away from men that are too agreeable. Now, when women get cheated on again, it’s a lack of femininity. And what I mean by that is honestly what I noticed with married man that cheat, it’s not that they love somebody else so much, or they, they found someone more beautiful. They simply have a wife that is no longer catering to their needs in any way, shape or form. So…
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:26:09
Host（Lewis Howes）
What type of needs, their sexual needs, their intimacy needs, their supportive needs…
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:26:14
All kinds of needs. So what I mean by that: It could be as simple as there’s a coffee ready, because you’re going to work. Or it could be as deep as, I haven’t slept with you in six months, is his needs no longer matter? And it’s really difficult. I understand when you have kids and stuff like that, it becomes difficult.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:26:28
Is it when he feels his needs don’t matter or he’s communicating what he wants and she’s not he willing to provide that?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:26:34
He is saying it. He is.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:26:35
He’s saying it. And she’s just like, I don’t have time for this. Or she’s busy or whatever.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:26:38
He’s often saying it, but she’s also not predicting his needs. And that’s part of femininity. Mm. Part of femininity is I know he’s coming home, let me just warm up a bit of food or I know that he’s got work at an early start. Let me just iron that shirt quickly because he’s gonna make a mess if he does it. You know it is part of femininity.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:26:53
What would the feminist movement say to that? I’m just Curious.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:26:55
They would argue that it’s not your, he’s not a baby. That’s what they would say. Men are not babies. But here’s the reality. They are in a lot of ways, they, in a lot of ways, they really are.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:27:06
I’ve been babies sometimes, but yeah, You know what…
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:27:08
It’s, it’s something about, I don’t understand this myself, but there’s something about the, they could be hungry or whatever, it’s, but when their wife makes them a meal, it tastes totally different to whatever you could order or whatever they could order themselves. Or when their wife, there’s
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:27:23
A love to it. There’s a, there’s a support behind it being Seen.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:27:26
Yeah. It’s being seen in a way that nobody else sees them. There’s something about, like, you, of course you can make your own coffee in the morning, but there’s something about your wife just putting it there without you asking for it. That just makes you feel seen. Now what I notice is when women forget to do that, they create, they set the tone for a man to now go towards escorts. And I’ll tell you why. Because they’re almost creating a transactional relationship. They’re making him feel like an ATM anyway, if now, right.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:27:53
He’s like, I’m not getting my needs met.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:27:55
I’m paying for everything. I’m
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:27:57
Paying for everything and I’m being disrespected maybe. Yeah. Or
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:28:00
Whatever. I’m an ATM. Interesting. I’m already an ATM.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:28:03
Whether that’s okay or not to think that way. No, no.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:28:05
Interpretation. No, that’s the way he sees it. So if I’m coming home and she doesn’t even notice I’m there, she’s never cooked a meal. She’s never asked me how my day is, but I’m paying for everything and I’m giving her a great life. I’m already on a m I might as well be an ATM to somebody who’s going touch me and kiss me
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:28:20
Serve my sexual needs or something.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:28:21
Yeah, exactly. Who’s gonna (at least pretend) At least even if I (at least act for an hour). Right. Exactly. And if… and the worst thing is escorts and sugar babies and stuff. They know this man’s been deprived of attention. So they know exactly what to say to these men to have them putty in their hands. If I wanted to, I, I would know exactly what to say to ’em. If I was an escort, I would know exactly what to say to ’em.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:28:42
Just how to touch him, how to connect with him. Yeah. How to be there for him.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:28:45
Do you need a coffee? Do you take two sugars or one? (Oh wow). That some men haven’t heard that in years from their wives. (Wow), they haven’t heard that in years. Or do you want me to rub your shoulders? They haven’t heard that in years from their wives. And these are men that work hard and do that, this, that, I’m not saying they’re justified, but this is, they build a resentment. So when women get cheated on, it’s their lack of femininity. And when men get cheated on, it’s their lack of masculinity. And people hate me for this because what they wanna say is, I was cheated on because my ex was a narcissist. But the, the infidelity is a dynamic. I’m not saying…there are compulsive cheaters, but even in that process, you select that compulsive cheater, they show you the signs. Anyway. Yeah. Like if I, if I’m a woman without boundaries, oh no.
Dynamic：In this context, “dynamic” refers to a complex and continuously changing situation or phenomenon, often influenced by various factors and interactions. （动态的、指的是一个复杂且不断变化的情况或现象，通常受到各种因素和相互作用的影响。）
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:29:26
Because he comes home late. He is sloppy. He’s…I know something. But the reality is, and people always come for me, like, you’re victim blaming. But no, this is not what we’re doing here. The reality is people shouldn’t cheat. But also thieves shouldn’t steal. But I have to lock my doors. I have to, I have to protect myself. Similarly, people shouldn’t cheat, but I have to lock my doors. I have to at least ensure I’m creating a dynamic that creates enough intimacy where they don’t need to, if they then go on to, at least I know I did everything. But if I don’t cover the basics, of course it’s gonna lead to.
Victim blaming：it refers to the practice of holding victims of a wrongdoing or injustice responsible for what happened to them, rather than placing accountability on the perpetrator. It often involves attributing fault, guilt, or responsibility to the victim based on their behavior, appearance, or circumstances, which can further victimize and disempower them. （指责受突破口者：是将遭受不正义或不公正待遇的受害者责备，而不是将责任归咎于施害者的做法。）
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:29:59
Right. (Yeah, of course). So, we, I hear a lot about this high value man and high value women and all these things online. (Yeah). You know. And the high value man is someone who’s making over six figures and over six feet tall and whatever it is…
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:30:08
like Mr. Howes over here. Yeah…
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:30:11
But what is it that men can do to become more high value than just their financial abundance and their height? How can they be a high value man, whether they have money or they have height or any of that stuff.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:30:28
Have complete and utter [‘ʌtə(r)] self-control. And what I mean by that is you try and control your mind, body, and soul in a way that would lead to positive long-term outcomes for you as a man. If, you get to the gym and you eat right. Your long-term body will appreciate that If, you save your money. You don’t waste it on alcohol and clubs and this, that, and the other. Your long-term self who will be able to invest in net. I was gonna say Netflix, not Netflix, NFTs and all that. Whatever it is that business is, your long-term self will appreciate that. If you’re able to dedicate some time to some spirituality or something to disconnect from this world, your long-term anxiety will appreciate that.
NFTs： stands for “non-fungible [‘fʌndʒɪb（可取代的、代替的）] tokens.” These are digital assets that represent ownership or proof of authenticity of a unique item or piece of content, typically stored on a blockchain. NFTs can represent various digital or physical assets such as artwork, music, videos, virtual real estate, or collectibles. （”NFTs” 的全称是 “非同质化代币”。这些是数字资产，代表着独特物品或内容的所有权或真实性证明，通常存储在区块链上。NFTs 可以代表各种数字或实物资产，如艺术品、音乐、视频、虚拟房地产或收藏品。）
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:31:08
So a man who has complete and utter self-control and makes responsible decisions that serve him in the long run is truly high value. Somebody who can resist short-term desires and short-term temptations for long-term goals, who can shake a man like that? Right? A man who can resist having sex with every single woman because he doesn’t wanna get the wrong woman pregnant who can res, who could shake a man like that. Whereas a man with no self-control, the You know any woman can distract him. Any money can distract him. Any opportunity can distract him. He is malleable [‘mæliəbl（易改变的，not steadfast）]. That doesn’t… you can’t be high valuable, a high value and malleable at the same time. So it’s having an identity that’s constructed on self-control that will make you high value.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:31:50
It doesn’t matter how tall you are, how short you are, how rich you are, how broke you are. If, you’ve got no self-control. You are a weak man. Unfortunately, it’s very difficult to have self-control. But if they can master it, they’re incredible.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:32:02
So what I’m hearing you say is women should really be looking for that quality and the partner they’re choosing, not SelfControl, not okay, he’s tall, dark and handsome or whatever it is these days. and I guess women are more into like the skinny, like artistic guy, whatever. It’s always like changing, right? Whatever. But he’s a certain look and he is got a certain amount of money. He’s a high value man.
Tall, dark and handsome：a phrase often used to describe an attractive man who is tall in stature [‘stætʃə(r)（身高、名望）], has dark hair, and is perceived as physically appealing. （”高大、深邃和英俊” 是用来描述一个魅力十足的男人的短语，他身材高大，头发深色，被认为在外貌上很吸引人。）
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:32:21
If he hasn’t got self-control, he’s a liability to you and your children. Yeah. And you have to remember that so many
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:32:27
What happens when you get in a relationship with a man who on paper looks like they have everything, great career, they’ve got money, they’ve got the car, they’ve got the house, they’re put together, dressed, well groomed, perfect height, You, know all these different things. Great friends, great network, but they lack self-control. What will happen down the line, relationship, marriage, kids.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:32:53
Unfortunately, what that might look like is If, you lack self-control. It might look like indulging with other women. It might look like gambling your money away. It might look like eating and consuming the wrong kind of drugs or whatever it is. A lack of self-control will lead to a, a man down a path where he will no longer be able to recognize himself. (Wow. ) Whereas self-control, he has a consistent identity from the day he’s born until the day he dies, because he dictates his future. Even if he wants to have a day of no control, it was his choice. Right. It was genuinely his choice. If it’s one or two days where he wants to get drunk and he wants… it’s it, but he’s not, he‘s not subject to the environment or to be people and to everybody else’s.
Be subject to something：it means to be likely or prone to experience or be affected by something, often something negative such as rules, conditions, or events. It implies that one is under the authority, control, or influence of that particular thing. （受某事影响–意味着可能会经历或受到某事的影响，通常是指负面的事情，如规则、条件或事件。它暗示一个人受制于、被控制或受该特定事物的影响。）
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:33:32
He’s not influenced by his surroundings?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:33:34
He’s influenced by his, what, his long-term goals are. And if he’s got like tomorrow, I don’t have to start early, I’m gonna get drunk tonight or You know what, I’m single, I’m just gonna, You know what today I’m just gonna do what I wanna do. Not, I’m not judging that because it’s an element of self-control. But when it’s like, oh my God, I’m so stressed, I need to watch pornography, or oh my God, I’m so…, unfortunately, that man is self-destructive. And you can’t have children with self-destructive men, unfortunately. Similarly with having women. (Right). I don’t mean it’s just for men. You, you cannot have children with people who are self-destructive because it’s contagious and it will then go on to the children and so on and so forth. And so many people forget this when they’re selecting partners.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:34:14
Yeah. I mean and I wanna get to the women’s side here. Like what the, what a high value woman is and should be. Yeah. Defined by. But you really can’t change your partner that much.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:34:24
No, absolutely not.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:34:25
Once someone has chosen, this is my identity, this is who I am, they have to be the ones that say, I want to improve, grow, transform, heal, change. But not, you’re not gonna be able to influence them over and over to be exactly what you want. （Yeah）. So If you try, If you think I’m gonna get married to this person, then I’m gonna control them. It’s gonna be, they’re gonna be miserable when you’re controlling them and try to change them.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:34:47
Absolutely. And also, you’ve shown them that you accept their unacceptable behavior so they can’t change and respect you. So, let’s say for example, I choose a man who’s a compulsive gambler. I’ve already chosen him. He already knows I have low boundaries. (Wow). So, I’ve…I’ve already shown him, I accept the unacceptable. So say if tomorrow, he became a really great guy, he’s not gonna want me, not want me. He’s gonna outgrow this woman with no boundaries. Who accepts the unacceptable, women think he’s gonna be like, oh, I’m so grateful to my ride or die. He is really gonna be like, I’ve outgrown this person as he should. Wow. Because he shouldn’t be with a woman that accepts the unacceptable, because she’s not incompatible with the new him. Same thing with men and women.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:35:26
She might feel like inferior as he’s transforming and growing if she’s not willing to do it together with him. Sounds like…
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:35:31
Yeah, absolutely. There was no boundaries. Oh yeah. And we as… like, it’s like when you have a manager at work that lets you come in late, lets you, you know, drink on the job, lets you take days off. If one day they stamp the authority, you’re gonna be like, I’m not listening to you. (Right). But when you decide to be better at your job, you’re gonna want a new workplace because you want better manager, you want better structure. So same thing happens in all human connections, unfortunately.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:35:58
Absolutely. You gotta create that standard and stick to it.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:35:59
You want to stick to it, unfortunately.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:36:01
So, it seems to me that, and correct me if I’m wrong, that in today’s society, a high value woman is someone who is beautiful, attractive, has a, you know, young body (Yeah). And gets lots of attention from men online. It seems to me like a desirable high value woman is perceived that in today’s society. Correct me if I’m Wrong.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:36:23
Absolutely. I would agree.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:36:25
What do you think men should be looking at as what a high value woman is?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:36:29
I think what they classify as a high value woman is actually truly a narcissistic woman. And what they should be looking at is a woman who has intrinsic rather than extrinsic values. Wow. And what I mean by that is when you select a woman who enjoy, enjoys explosive kind of attention from men, you’re selecting a woman who will never be satisfied with you. (Oh man). Unfortunately. Wow. And you’re selecting a woman who relies on external validation for self-esteem. And that will never go in that woman. What you really should be looking at is a woman who has intrinsic values. Now, these are things like how connected I am to my friends and family. How much do I serve my community? How much can I look after you and your wellbeing? How much self-esteem do I derive from having a purpose and loving those around me? Unfortunately, they look at what is packaged the best way. And that woman is, unfortunately, she’s unattainable because she’s emotionally broken to require that much validation, can’t be healthy. and I say this as a woman who’s online myself. And now people could very much argue the same for me. But one thing I noticed is, if I look at my DMs, they’re endless. and I don’t show skin. I don’t show body. It’s not that kind of content. So, I think, and it annoys me. I’ll see it and I’ll just quickly, You know, this is nonsense. So, imagine being a woman who only posts things that create external validation.
At least I’ll get a few messages saying, I love your content, blah, blah, blah. But you are just posting your body. You’re just getting, I love your tits. I love your boobs. I love, this is a woman who wants that. Why would you, why on earth would you think that woman is now going to be able to serve you and your family and your children in a, a wholesome manner? She’s not equipped for it.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:38:15
But again, I’m assuming that people might be commenting or saying, well this is, you know, don’t, don’t diminish my self-expression. This makes me feel great. I can do what I want. I want to express myself. I want to post bikini photos all day long. (Absolutely). So, I’m allowed to do whatever I want. Yeah. and I like it. I like expressing myself. I’m, you know, that’s who I am. Don’t tell me what to do. All these different things. So, you know, what do you say to someone that might Be feeling that way?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:38:45
Express away, express away. But don’t expect that woman to be wholesome. She can express however she wants. I could sit there and express myself through nudes and bikini pictures, etcetera. But then don’t put wholesome traditional values, don’t assign them to me because I’m not assigning ’em to myself. So, if she’s expressing herself, that way, you, as a man, how dare you expect her to have these complete opposite values. Right? Yeah. So just accept her for who she is. She’s not wrong. I’m not actually saying she’s wrong, by the way. I actually don’t think there’s anything wrong in that. But have a realistic expectation of what that woman’s gonna bring to your life.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:39:21
In terms of a relationship.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:39:22
In terms of a relationship. Yeah. She, she’s somebody who craves knowing that she’s still sexually attracted to other men because that’s what the audience will be. Women don’t follow women who just post stuff like that. So that’s what her audience is… So why would you try and create, like why would you force her? Why would you try and get her to contort [kən’tɔːt（扭曲；走样；曲解）] into your values and your what you want out of it? But she’s gonna be more promiscuous. She’s gonna be more unfaithful. But that’s okay. But the problem is you either accept her for who she is or you go somewhere else, but don’t expect that woman to have the values that you want them to have.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:39:54
Yeah. You’ve been coaching people for a while now. (Yeah). And you said there are what, one of the main themes you see that people struggle with the most in your, your one-on-one or online coaching.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:40:05
I would find that the main thing for men is the addiction to pornography. Yeah.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:40:10
How many men are addicted to pornography today?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:40:12
I, I would say that unfortunately in the younger generation, here’s the problem with the addiction to pornography. When I have a man on the phone to me, and he’s got, and this is irrelevant, whether he is handsome, not handsome, whatever it is, in shape nor shape. But he’s having struggles with women, he’s having some problem with women. They’re either transactional, using him, cheating on him, whatever it is. I don’t ask any question other than, are you addicted to pornography? That’s the first question. They’ll come to me on the phone and say, this, my, my girlfriend’s doing this. I don’t how to get above… the question I ask is, are you addicted to pornography? Because there’s a masochism in there that they don’t realize. And they’ll say, no, no, no. I’m not addicted to pornography. I watch it maybe twice a week, three times a week or whatever. But I don’t know…, I don’t know if that’s healthy.
I don’t think there’s any level that’s healthy. And what pornography does, unfortunately, what pornography does to men is it allows some intense gratification without the fear of rejection. And what men need is rejection in order to build their bravery and redirect them. Wow. If I’m really overweight or if I’m not making a lot money, I’m living in my mom’s basement and I go out into the dating world, I realize women don’t find that attractive. So, I redirect myself. Yeah, I’ll,
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:41:20
You have to improve, you have to overcome, you have to let go. You have to.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:41:23
And Learn from the feedback…
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:41:24
And have courage to take consistent action and build self-control.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:41:28
Exactly. But what pornography allows me to do is maintain that state whilst getting the gratification I want. And the other thing it does to men is it blurs their true value. So they will see these beautiful women online go into the real world and say he’s a four out of 10, he should be aiming for a 4 out 10 woman. But he’ll think, I, I, I don’t want that girl. I’m not attracted to this girl. And they’ll be aiming for the 12 out of tens and they can only access them through escort.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:43:12
Or through I mean in America, they call it Passport Bros. Have we heard of that concept? (Passport What)? Where they go to like maybe the Philippines or they go to other countries and marry women and You know. (Wow). Kind of like a 90 day. Then they try and do it that way instead. Wow. To access those type of women’s, because they’ve been so addicted to pornography, they’ve got a skewed perception of what their true value is and what their true match is.
Skewed [skjuː]：it means distorted or biased in a particular direction, often implying that something is not balanced or aligned properly. It can refer to data, information, opinions, or perspectives that are not accurate or fair due to being influenced by a specific viewpoint or factor. （偏斜的、误解的 – – 意味着在特定方向上扭曲或有偏见，通常暗示着某些事物没有得到适当的平衡或对齐。它可以指由于受到特定观点或因素的影响而不准确或不公平的数据、信息、意见或观点。）
Passport Bro：A Western man who travels abroad in the hope of finding a romantic partner. （护照兄弟）
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:43:34
What do you think pornography is doing to the male brain? Chemically?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:43:37
It’s making them incapable of connection, both physically and emotionally. Physically. They have erectile dysfunction. And I’m talking to 28 year old boys that will have erectile dysfunction and they can’t perform. And emotionally a porn doesn’t model intimacy. It actually models how to make hate with a woman. Wow. Not how to make love. So they learn how to spit on women. They learn how to degrade women. They know how to make fun of minorities. They learn all of these things. And they think they’re learning all these skills. But when you speak to women, they’ll say they’re the least satisfying sexual encounters with a man that’s addicted to porn because he’s reenacting and not reading her body. He is not learning.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:44:16
He’s not intuitive. He’s not, he’s… he’s not connected. (Not at all). He’s not there in the moment.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:44:20
So not only is he doing all these moves that she’s not connecting with, but he then can’t even lift his cock, because there’s, there’s an erectile dysfunction. So imagine the experience from a woman’s end. She’s just like, this is the worst experience I’ve ever had. He is also realizing, okay, she’s not enjoying this. Let me just stick to porn because I’m terrible at sex. So that rejection, that encounter is so negative that they go de deeper into the rabbit hole, unfortunately. And can I just say pornography’s not good for women either? I think the rise in bisexuality in women is predominantly from exposure to porn. Really? Yeah, I think so. I don’t think it’s…
Rabbit hole：it is a metaphorical term that refers to a situation, topic, or activity that is complex, obscure, or difficult to understand, and often leads to further confusing or unexpected complexities. It comes from the idea of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, where Alice falls down a rabbit hole into a strange and bewildering world.（兔子洞是一个隐喻性的术语，指的是一个复杂、晦涩或难以理解的情境、话题或活动，通常会导致更多令人困惑或意外的复杂性。它来源于《爱丽丝梦游仙境》，故事中爱丽丝掉进兔子洞，进入了一个奇怪而令人困惑的世界。）
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:44:56
How many women are watching porn from people you talk to or coaching or just…
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:45:01
Not as much. But when I…what I, what I find really difficult about pornography and really disempowering is the majority of the time that women are watching it, they’re doing it for their partner’s pleasure, very limited for their own. So, they’re watching girl and girl and they’re watching other things on that. And they’re engaging on that behavior primarily from a male gaze, from male attention, from men to be find and satisfying rather than their own thing. ’cause women tend to be more emotionally connected to sex. So, if they’re engaging a lot of pornography for male desires, so they’re almost catering to the male gaze in a way that’s helping them lose their own identity. They’re signing up for degradation, they’re signing up for confused sexual identity. They’re signing up for a society that only caters to male sexual gratification. So I find it more bizarre that women watch porn.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:45:51
Do you think… why do men watch more porn than women?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:45:55
Because I think for men it’s the ability to access any type of woman without the fear of rejection. And men are more likely to be rejected when they go and seek sex in the real world. Yeah. And so, I think it’s just the bypassing rejection is what they’re doing far more than women.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:46:12
Why are women not into porn as much though? Why do they wanna watch it?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:46:16
Because without an intimate connection, porn is…sex is limited in how gratifying it can be. Yeah. It’s almost like having a cake without sugar. Like without the ingredient of intimacy. It’s just a bunch of empty calories and it’s not worth the taste. So that’s what porn is like for women without actually caring about somebody. And sometimes they’re watch it, but they’re still trying to learn how to please their partner through it. So, there’s an element of my partner, my partner, my partner. Whereas for men, it’s just to bypass the rejection that they don’t want to face. (Wow). Yeah. Unfortunately. And it is a coping mechanism for a lot of people. Yeah.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:46:52
Yeah. It’s like Drugs, alcohol, food, pornography.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:46:53
And, but the thing is, it’s so easy for me to be judgmental, but I didn’t grow up where the smartphone had access to pornography. I don’t know what kind of person I would’ve been. and I, I also have a religious kind of reason to avoid porn. So, I… I, I’m not saying this to be holier than thou, I’m very aware that if I was in a different circumstance, I’d be just as addicted. But it’s so bad for us. It’s so, so bad for couples and intimacy and everything is so bad…terrible and it’s something that’s almost just accepted. What I find so shocking is if I was to watch a child be abused and get joy out of that, I would be arrested, rightly so. But cut to 20 years, when that child is now engaging in voluntary sex work, which is usually most sex-offended children go on to do sex work is accepted. (Voluntary). Voluntary. Because what happens when a child’s been abused, they often try and regain control by engaging in sex work. (Wow). It’s their way of reestablishing control and boundaries that were ripped off them. So, they’re thinking, now I’ll monetize it and take some control. So usually, most people who work in the sex industry have a history of child abuse, sexual abuse. So, I just think watching vulnerable people kind of re-traumatize themselves and getting joy outta that should be somewhat more spoken about rather than just seeing it Absolutely. As a, as an industry. Absolutely. It’s not an, an industry that is created on like You know movies where it’s people who went through school and try. It’s usually people who went through trauma have now found themselves in working in porn.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:48:23
And we’re okay to just watch it all day every day. It’s scary. Right.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:48:29
What would you say are the, the big three big flags that a man or a woman should look out for when they’re entering a new dating relationship?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:48:37
Unfortunately, and I really hate to say this because we can’t really control this, this, but your childhood, unfortunately, your childhood creates an embedded kind of conflict between you and love. When we have a chaotic childhood, what we do is we create a core belief about ourselves that we’re not worthy of love. We don’t deserve love or love. Love is painful. And because that’s a core belief, we go through life looking for somebody to validate that core belief. Now, if I meet somebody loving even, I’ll still try and create that core belief and make love chaotic. So, or I’ll sabotage or do something. So unfortunately you have to look at their childhood. Now it doesn’t mean if they’ve got a bad childhood, they’ve written Hal. But if they haven’t acknowledged the impact you are gonna be
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:49:19
And start the healing process
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:49:20
You’re gonna be the punching bag.
A “punching bag” is a sturdy bag filled with materials like sand or cloth, suspended from above and used for punching and striking practice in martial arts or boxing training. Figuratively, the term can also refer to a person who is repeatedly subjected to criticism, blame, or abuse, often without being able to defend themselves or respond. （受气包）
Translation in Chinese: “沙袋” 是一种坚固的袋子，里面填充着沙子或布料，悬挂在上方，用于武术或拳击训练中的拳打练习。在比喻意义上，这个词也可以指一个经常受到批评、指责或虐待的人，通常无法自我辩护或回应。
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:49:22
Oh man.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:49:22
I’ve been, unfortunately, I’ve been punched a lot. Well, have you noticed that as well? I’ve been
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:49:25
Punched a lot in my past.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:49:26
What kind of things do women bring, like in their past childhood?
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:49:30
Well, I think You know, I think it’s the responsibility of each partner to, to ask those questions. Yeah. To, to You know. and I lacked the inability to, I saw that and that was what attracted me. ’cause I was wounded in my childhood. Right? Yeah. So it’s like, okay, we’re both wounded. We’re in this together. Yeah. So I was the punching bag and kept, kept sticking around ’cause I lacked the courage, confidence, the You know skills, the security in self to walk away from the feeling of love and intimacy. The feeling of connection. Yeah. The, the false feeling. Well,
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:50:04
Well that broken childhood gives women some intensity that makes a man feel really loved in the moments. Absolutely. And it is honestly, they give you really passionate kind of sexual relations as well because they, they almost treat you like you’re temporary because they know you have the chemistry
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:50:16
Is explosive. Right. But it doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:50:19
It’s not healthy.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:50:19
And I’ve heard you talk about this, I’ve talked about this as well. It’s like if a if a person you’re meeting feels boring Yeah. Then that’s a good thing. It’s a great thing. It’s a good thing. If it feels like exciting, explosive and Oh magical every moment. It’s like the constant, like that’s probably when you wanna run or really ask yourself why,
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:50:40
Why, why are you attracted to chaos?
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:50:41
Why am I attracted to this feeling? It is that healthy? I’m not saying it’s automatic bad, but it’s a definitely a thing to pay attention to. Yeah.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:50:49
And is it sustainable to do that to your body? Yeah. It’s nothing is sustain. It’s like being in the ring for like 10, 15 rounds. You can’t do it.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:50:56
Yeah. It’s also like, like you said, you can only have that feeling for so long and then when it fades, are you saying something’s wrong? I need to recreate that feeling. Yeah.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:51:02
And they usually recreate by outsourcing chaos outside of the relationship. So they’ll have really stable, healthy relationships, but they’ll find You know a guy on the side or a girl on the side that will recreate the trauma that they’ve had as a child, unfortunately. Right. And the reason why it’s such a problem is children suffer. Children are the only ones that will suffer when parents,
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:51:21
When you have kids Yeah. And you’ve attracted each other and you’ve been committed and you got stayed together. Yeah. The kids suffer from your behavior. Yeah.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:51:28
Always. So it’s being so like,
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:51:32
So that’s the first flag is Yeah. You’re aware of the person’s childhood. Right. And be aware of their child. So like ask the questions. Yeah. And it doesn’t mean they’re not a good person or they’re nice. You can’t be friends or If you get into it. You just have to be aware this is what you might be dealing with.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:51:46
Yeah. Second thing I would say is do they set boundaries or do they self-sabotage? And they’re two very different things. People think boundaries means, oh, you upset me, I’m never speaking to you again. I don’t tolerate nonsense. I’ve got boundaries. That’s not how boundaries work. Boundaries are actually instructions to help teach the person how to love you. So my boundary might be as simple as, okay, you take the shoes off when you go into the living room. Yes. Yeah. That’s a boundary. Self-sabotage is not saying anything and be like, oh my God, he wore his shoes on my, in my living room. I’m never speaking to him again. So I would say the ability to communicate boundaries in a way that will bring you closer rather than simply kind of drawing lines and running away. And so I think effective boundaries is a really important red or green flag.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:52:30
That’s a, that’s been a game changer for me with Martha because we, we really created agreements early on.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:52:35
Oh, amazing. What kind of agreements?
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:52:38
Man, we did so many early on there were just like, anytime there might’ve been a little like, oh, that didn’t feel that good. Or disturbance. Yeah. As opposed to us just letting it slide. Each one of us were like, I know if I like that. I’m not saying you’re wrong here, but I would just like for us to create this agreement so that I don’t feel weird and, and I don’t feel like you’re taking advantage or whatever it might be. So And what
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:52:58
Was it like
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:52:59
Previous one? One of them was, one of them was like You know early in a relationship, you’re talking all the time. Yeah. Morning, day and night. And there was a couple of times where it was like 1:00 AM we had some like minor disturbances. There was like just confusion. We’re both tired. It’s not getting, it’s getting in a loop. We’re not finding a resolution to this like challenge. And so we both came to the agreement like, and let’s not have these conversations in bed. Right. Like, it doesn’t really seem to go well these last couple times. It’s not like it was horrible or explosive. It’s just like we woke up tired and like we didn’t find a resolution. It didn’t feel good. Let’s just have the conversation during the day when we’re both awake. Okay. Now when we hit the bed and then we start talking about something that was upsetting.
Get in a loop：it means to become stuck in a repetitive cycle or pattern, often involving the same actions, thoughts, or situations occurring over and over again without resolution or progress. It suggests an inability to break free from this cycle.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:53:38
Yeah. And that has created so much peace because we both have an agreement. Amazing. We created a healthy boundary by calling it an agreement. Yeah. And we stick to that standard. Right.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:53:48
And previous relationships, what would you do instead? Oh,
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:53:51
I would just try to solve the problem. Stay up all night. Yeah. and I would just You know and then it would just escalate. It escalate to like frustration and exhaustion and then resentment the next day. Like why is this happening? Yeah. And then it repeats again every few weeks.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:54:04
Okay. So this is, so now it’s now healthy. I explain to you what I need and we do it accordingly. Exactly. Amazing.
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:54:10
Yeah. And making sure both of you are able to ex communicate what you need. So there is an agreement and making sure you both agree on that. Amazing. So if she
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:54:19
Was really lucky to find a partner, oh my god, I’m blessed. I’m very lucky. Praise me to God. Yeah, I’m
Host（Lewis Howes）
00:54:23
Coming blessed. Okay, so do they set boundaries or do they self-sabotage? Yeah, that’s the second green or red flag. What’s the third? And
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:54:31
Competition or cooperation. And what I mean by that is when you have a partner that values your wellbeing and wants to see you feel less anxious, wants to see you, feel happy, wants you feel, wants you to feel connected, they are cooperative. So when they say, when you say things like, oh babe, I haven’t heard from you all day. They’re like, oh, I’m so sorry I completely forgot. I’ll call you in five minutes, gimme 10 minutes, I’ll call you. But other times you’ll have a partner where you say, oh, You know I haven’t heard from you. Stop trying to control me. You are, you are always taking over. You are, you’re so needy. Is stuff like that is, is it competition or is it cooperation? When you voice a concern, do they actually want to see that you, the relationship get better and your wellbeing matters?
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:55:12
Or are they so stuck on their autonomy and independence and not being controlled by you that they reject and neglect their responsibilities towards you? So I think that kind of understanding your partner’s wellbeing, if, if it’s not a case of like, why are you trying to control me? Why? It’s more of a case of, oh, I didn’t mean to, okay, I understand your point. It’s those partners that are in competition with each other who can hurt, who the most or who can stay the most dis disconnected, who can stay the most independent? Why are you together? I don’t understand those relationships. It’s torture. It’s real torture. So it is like, oh, I’m liking extra pictures. She told me not to like pictures. Now I’m gonna do 10 times more. Oh, You know. He told me not to post bikini pictures.
Guest（Sadia Khan）
00:55:52
Now I’m gonna post 10 times more. Why are you together? Are you, if you’re gonna hurt each other because hurting them should be hurting you if you’re in a healthy relationship. And Kate, like prioritizing their wellbeing is a form of prioritizing your own wellbeing if you’re in a healthy relationship. So that corporation should be there. If it’s not there, then try and avoid that person. Unfortunately.
3
00:56:15
I hope today’s episode inspired you on your journey towards Greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today’s show with all the important links and If, you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me, as well as ad-free listening experience. Make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If, you enjoyed this. Please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And If, you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life.
